The Eclectic One

…Because labels are a poor substitute for thinking

Massachusetts Driving: a primer

Posted by Bill Nance on August 19, 2008

In case you live somewhere else in the world, you may be missing out on one of the best reasons for gratitude out there: “At least I’m not in Massachusetts!!”

Today’s entry in the “Why you should never enter Massachusetts unless your life depends on it” file is driving.

If you went to Driver’s Ed in high-school, you learned about things like speed limits, right-of-way, red lights and stop signs.

Here in the Bay State, we do things a little differently. In order to assist you in case you have the misfortune to actually find yourself on the road in the Commonwealth, I have found a guide which may help you to better understand the behavior of our drivers. This is apparently required reading in all Massachusetts Driver’s Ed classes.

  1. A green light means turn left in front of oncoming traffic. -don’t worry, they’ll stop for you.
  2. Stop lights are just a suggestion. Stop signs are just local street art. Pay no attention to them.
  3. Speed limits are for sissies. Always drive twice the posted limit. Especially in residential areas with lots of kids. Remember, that extra 30 miles-per-hour will save you THREE WHOLE MINUTES on your way to the mall.
  4. As to the item above, all bets are off if you spot Johnny Law. In that case, be sure to slow to 15 miles UNDER the posted limit. Especially on the Interstate during rush hour.
  5. Pedestrians are not expected to watch for traffic, obey street signals or have any sense of self-preservation whatsoever. Failure to yield when some jackass a citizen jumps in front of you into the middle of the street against a red light and don’t-walk sign while you’re whizzing by at ’50 is YOUR fault.
  6. Proper following distance in the Commonwealth is three feet, five if you’re on the Interstate. This rule is especially important to follow during ice storms and blizzards.
  7. Remember that the person traveling in the middle lane at 5-10 miles over the posted limit is supposed to cut into the slow lane in front of other traffic to prevent the unnecessary action of you having to change lanes into the completely empty passing lane. This lane is only designed for aesthetic purposes. If you find yourself behind a selfish driver who refuses to do this, you have the right to
    “draft” behind him. Just like NASCAR!
  8. Our fine law enforcement officers have strict instructions not to cite anyone for anything except speeding…sometimes. Rest assured, your god given right to tailgate, run people off the road, litter, or defecate on the side of the road will not be interfered with.

-Nuff said.

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